Monday, November 4, 2013

It's For The Best

If two people marry as virgins, does that mean their marriage will be better?  

Well ... first lets agree on the way we define purity.  There are quite a few people who have not had sex but have long since lost their virginity through what they have allowed themselves to dwell on.  Purity is not just of the body, or it isn't purity.  I'm not speaking of temptation, I'm talking about seeking out stuff.  A major problem with sexual perversion is what it does to the mind, not necessarily the body.  Once you allow yourselves to experience sensations and see things that shouldn't be seen, they are forever there.  Getting into a relationship will not fix that.  Getting married will certainly not help that.  Purity starts in the heart first, then is continued to the body.  Otherwise we have lied to ourselves, and our denial was worthless.

At some point, the newness of our spouse will fade .. the body will change ... or your spouse just might make you madder than you've ever been in your life and, in either case, you will experience a resurgence of everything that had been laying dormant.  I cannot tell you how many people I have known who chose to get married bc they just couldn't wait for sex anymore.  And of those people, most went into adultery.  You don't treat a wound by changing clothes.  Honestly, for centuries, very few, on the whole, of marriages have included two truly pure individuals.  If today's stats are true, over 95% of the generations growing up will at some point view pornographic images either as a choice or by coercion (commercials, surprise introductions, misspelled internet sites, family viewings).  The hard truth is that most adults have also allowed their senses to enjoy experiences we were warned to stay far away from.  It can be most difficult for Christians who have crossed lines to remain in purity ... but trust in God ... He promises to complete the work He has started in us (Phil 1:6) and stands on His own promise that He is able to make us stand (Rom 14:4).  His grace is perfect (2 Cor 12:9; 1 Pet 5:10) ... lean on it.

So perhaps you have maintained yourself and have walked consistently in purity ... then what does that mean?

There are mixed results when it comes to what marriages last and what ones don't.  What is absolutely linked to successful marriages is disciplined lifestyles and healthy choices.  I would say that healthy choices and disciplined lifestyles include sexuality.

But the most important thing I believe we should consider when looking at this is why we are restraining ourselves.

Please understand, I have counseled many couples who thought foolishly that by waiting until marriage all would be diamonds and gold.  That is not the case.  Disillusion is a terrible experience.  I have been witness to adulterous affairs, domestic abuse, and explosive divorce from couples who supposedly waited until they were married thinking that all bases were covered.

A good marriage takes constant good work .. the right work.  Ask a couple who has been married for a week what it takes to have a great marriage and they will tell you "love, compassion, and intimacy."  Ask couple married between 3 - 10 years and they will tell you that they have no idea and can't figure out what's wrong with their spouse.  Ask couples who have shared their lives together 50+ years and they will tell you "work, patience, forgiveness, thankfulness, appreciation," and some other familiar characteristics most people are waiting to read ... but those first five are of the most important.

You see, love fails ... it does.  Wait a minute!!  The Bible says love never fails ... and that the greatest of the three hope, faith, and love ... is love.  Wrong "love" knucklehead.  The word "love" in 1 Cor 13 is literally "charity" ... and charity never fails.  But the intimate love between lovers will fail and fade.  It must be fed or it will die.  The friendship love dies ... even the family love dies.  But the gift given for the sake of giving the gift never dies ... even if returned ... even if taken back ... it was still given.

So a marriage will always ultimately be determined by both of you.

BUT ... good news.  Since sexual purity is probably the hardest part of our obedience to God concerning the use and enjoyment of our bodies, it would make sense that the couple also obeys God in other parts of their lives as well ... and a lifestyle of obedience to God has its benefits.

But most of all, it's and obedience thing.  We obey Him because we love Him and are called in Him being saved by Him.  If we obey Him for personal gain ... even what would seem valiant ... it is of an evil agenda.

I promise you this one thing: if you are faithful to God, He will be with you.  You will fight ... and those fights may get bad.  You will have conflicts, and those conflicts will get bad.  You will make mistakes, and those mistakes can be bad.  But He will be there with you ... not ashamed of you ... and will walk you through the processes of learning difficult lessons.  If you hold on to the formidable five (work, patience, forgiveness, thankfulness, appreciation) you will see Him work the impossible.  I tell you the truth that one of life's greatest miracles is the merging of two lives into one ... and one of life's greatest agonies is the separation of the joined souls.

Do yourself a favor.  Don't chase purity for what it will get you.  Chase it for what you can give God ... and your future spouse ... and leave it at that.

That's my take anyways.

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  1. Hmm...I dunno. I didn't have sex before I got married! =P

    However, I do know that I only ever dated two guys. One I kissed early on in our dating, and the relationship lasted 2.5 months. The other, I didn't kiss, and married. The difference? Kissing.

    When I dated the first guy, and we started kissing, the friendship that had started to bud, fizzled into a make-out session whenever we were together.

    With Josh (my husband), we had no physical contact till we were engaged (I punched him in the arm - HARD instead of hugging him cause it wasn't allowed - and by "wasn't allowed," I mean we chose that route no matter what anyone told us), then we could hold hands.

    It was HARD! Ohmygoodnes! But by the time we married, Josh was my dearest friend on the planet. I was literally his best friend, second only to God.

    Is my marriage better because we didn't have sex before we got married...I don't know. But I DO know that when sex is no longer an option for us...our friendship will still be going strong! =D

  2. Well then ... I agree that by putting the sexuality aside (before marriage), a strong friendship will forge that will be important for carrying the relationship during the rough, and .. er .. dry spells.

    Thanks for sharing!

  3. Well thought out... I know a few people who could use this.

  4. Well ... share it James!! Thanks for the comment.

  5. Yes, there are those who wait until they are married. However, they will eventually find themselves refraining from much more to enable a marriage to survive. For example: pornography, lust, and adultery. The temptation surrounds us and we have to make an effort to refrain from and avoid such foolishness. For obvious reasons, there are advantages to waiting until you're married to have sex. However it is important that people understand that although sex is a major component of marriage, its not the only component. You have mentioned many important attributes of a good marriage. We must also remember that a strong marriage involves hard work, everyday. It isn't an easy journey but it is well worth the ride.

  6. Well said ... and it is work, intensive work ... but if the work is done right, well, and on time, then the play is equally as intensive

  7. No i don't believe their marriages will be better, they will have some experiences that other people that do not wait to have sex will have like the beauty of waiting for marriage, as opposed to feeling like you missed out on something because you didn't wait. But I believe that all Christians go through hardships and it is possible that they could even end up in divorce just the same as someone who didn't wait for marriage, however if they follow God's rule like they did in the beginning, they will be rewarded more in Heaven

    1. Very true .. all experience hardships and the reaction to those hardships determine the road forward. Waiting is an obedience thing, nothing more. While the trend of those who wait would seem to be a life bent towards obedience in other areas (ie forgiveness, restoration, peaceful reactions, etc) it is no guarantee. I have heard it taught and presented as a guaranteed pass ... but it is not. I know personally of several such scenarios that did not work out. Some couple present it almost boastfully ... unknowingly inferring that their obedience was not for the sake of obedience but with an agenda ... almost blackmailing God ... that cannot work well.

      Thank you for your comments. I appreciate when my readers share their thoughts!