Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Need Room To Breathe?

My parents' restrictions are choking me!  The want to shelter me from everything they think is bad in the world!  How do I get them to recognize that I am no longer a child and to let me spread my wings a little?  I want to enjoy these last few years of high school!  Why won't they trust me?  Help!!

This was a question sent in through my ATH sessions I used to do live in New Orleans.  Considering the weekend I have had, I felt it was worth bringing forward.   Before I tell you about it, I will answer the question the same way I did then ...



Let me make this simple: because you feel that your parents reasons for "sheltering" you have everything to do with you tells me that you are still thinking very immaturely ... and that you are not yet thinking layered thoughts.  Because of that, you are still in need of their strict guidance.  Their actions may have little or nothing to do with you.  You may be the most respectful teenager the world has ever seen ... but you are extremely inexperienced.  Your trust in your ability to keep yourself safe is a trust poorly placed.  Your thinking processes are very selfish ... your only concern is you.

Your parents are to be commended for trying when so many have already given their teenagers over to their vices ... because they no longer want to keep fighting a child who can only think about what they want right there as if there will be no consequence.

Let's look to the Bible:

Matthew 15:4: For God commanded, saying, Honor thy father and mother: and, He that curses father or mother, let him die the death.

Ephesians 6:1: Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.

Colossians 3:20: Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.

Exodus 20:12: Honor your father and your mother: that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God gives you.


Proverbs 10:1: A wise son makes his father glad: but a foolish son is the heaviness of his mother.

Proverbs 13:1: A wise son hears his father's instruction: but a scorner hears not rebuke.

Proverbs 15:20: A wise son makes a glad father: but a foolish man despises his mother.

Proverbs 23:15: My son, if your heart be wise, my heart shall rejoice, even mine.

Proverbs 23:19: Hear me, my son, and be wise, and guide your heart in the way.

Proverbs 27:11: My son, be wise, and make my heart glad, that I may answer him that reproaches me.

Proverbs 28:7: Whoever keeps the law is a wise son: but he that is a companion of riotous men shames his father.

Simply put children are given one commandment ... honor (heed, respect, and value) your parents and listen to them closely. A wise child follows the godly instruction of his parents. 

Here are the facts:

1.  You may not be living a life of consistently intelligent choices that would earn the trust of your parents.  Just because you come home on time once does not undo the countless times you haven't.  Realize that your going to sleep in whatever bed you make for yourself.  Consider the modern parable of the doctor - there was a doctor that practiced medicine throughout the rural midwest.  He was a genius at what he did ... the man worked miracles for over 35 years!  Then one day, he drank too much at a family party and accidentally killed a man on his way home.  That person he killed was your mom, wife, husband, son, sister, brother ... whoever.  Though the life of saving lives may matter to all the other people whose lives were saved, in the interest of justice, would you care about it at all?  No, you would only be able to see the wrong done ... because justice always demands that wrongs be accounted for.  The same is with you.  If disciplined performance and decision making in your life is inconsistent, you cannot be trusted.

2.  Your parents' lack of trust may have NOTHING to do with you!!!  While we like to think that everything that happens around us is because of us ... it's just not true.  If you are making reckless decisions, then see the previous paragraph, but if you are a good decision maker, then consider this.  I trust my children's' dedication to do the right thing and honor God ... I am, however, less trusting of their awareness of other peoples' willingness and drive to derail them for their own pleasures.  I am also very aware of their lack of ability to predict, control, and react to what the other people in their immediate environments are doing, or will be doing.  Think about driving at night.  The best of us ... the most experienced of us ... still get startled here and there by drivers who just do something out of the ordinary.  Young drivers often don't know that they are in serious danger until it is just too late and often add to their own injuries by immature mistakes made in the process of collision.  The notion of control is merely a facade ... it is an illusion.  There are sickos everywhere.  Typically, teens and young adults see checking in as a punishment ... because they are not yet experienced to how quickly things can fall apart.  Most adults I know willingly check in with loved ones during the processes of travel and whatnot because they have experienced the negative consequences of being stranded with no one knowing where they are.  People die every year that way.  If I know my wife should be home within an hour, and she after 10 minutes late is not answering her phone, she knows I will be heading on the road to find her ... she won't have to wait long if she is broke down and in a dead area.  I check in with her constantly.

Let me tell you a story that happened a few years ago.  I had a student that was the standard of what a responsible student looked like.  She was amazing.  I was teaching in an inner city school district so she was even more of a treasure.  One Monday, during her senior year, she didn't show up, she had never missed before.  She had gone to a movie that weekend and then disappeared.  Police had chased every lead to find her but nothing surfaced.  By Wednesday there was an all out search for her with no results.  We were assuming the worst, but hoping for the best.  On Friday she was found alive (barely) and stuffed in a closet.  The person who had taken her was keeping her alive looking for a way to dump her body - he had every intention to kill her.  But his sister got wind of it and turned him in ... this really happened.  When they interviewed her after, she had explained that after the movie she decided to go to a coffee shop ... and told no one she was going.  It was in the coffee shop parking lot that she had been forced into a car, but no one had seen it.  After reviewing the coffee shops tapes, the whole incident was seen ... but no one knew to look at the coffee shop because she never felt the need to check in.  If they had known she was there, they would have found her that night.

3.  Your parents most likely at one point in their younger years swore they would never restrict you like they are now.  They walked back to their room grumbling aloud and promising themselves for all to hear that "when I become a parent I will ..."  They have turned on their word because they love you. Your parents want you to be successful more than you do.  They have seen children die, they have seen young people suffer and die before they ever had a chance to live and they have learned to adjust their preconceptions to your needs.

4.  Not all biological parents take their roles seriously and not all loving parents are perfect.  The home can be a torrential storm at times ... even in the best of them ... when teenagers are in the fold.  Parents make mistakes ... we do .. and sometimes we make them continuously.  You will see other peers of yours doing everything you wish you could do but your parents refuse ... and they will tease you for it and tell you to go against your parents ... that it's your right to do as you please and that your parents will never know ... as if they care anything about anything but what they can get from you and for you in the moment.

5.  Your parents are fighting for the future you ... the one who is begging them to protect you so that person can develop.  Your parents are desperately trying to protect the future loved ones that you have yet to meet ... your future spouse and children ... though you may think the one you are batting your eyes at now is the one, they recognize that you may not see the future quite as clearly as you do now.  You may be one who believes you will never marry ... don't want to ... so you live at your whim because there is no future to protect.  I was in that club ... perhaps your parents too (apples and trees).

6.  Your parents realize they are being the hypocrite you are accusing them of being (if you are).  Good parents are all hypocrites.  They will fight you tooth and nail to prevent you from experiencing things that they experienced ... because they were wrong and their long term cost was not known to them then.  If I try a meal at a restaurant that seems appealing but discover it is tainted, should I let you sit back and eat it?  You'd call me an assortment of names if I did ... you would want me to prevent you from eating it!  That is parenting!  Recognizing appealing food that causes harm and preventing our children from eating it.

I apologize for what may seem to be an attack against your independence ... but your demanding it says to me that you are not thinking clearly.

Here's what I suggest 
1.  Consider compromise.  You want to go out, but they want you observed.  How about offering them to take you and be on the premises ... and you check in with them regularly.  When they demand you be home by a certain time, don't try to push that ... maybe leave a little earlier ... or ask them to give you the ride ... that way you can stay a little longer than what you would have leaving to be home in time.

2.  Talk, but listen, and keep your cool.  Your parents want you to have everything good in life but are also desiring to protect you from disaster.  Ask them later, very tactfully, so you can gain insight.

3.  Thank them for caring ... this is their job and God will judge them.  He will not acquit them from dereliction just because they are tired of fighting.  Many children, even friends of yours, have parents who have stopped trying and have turned their children over to their own devastation ... and it will come.  Your parents love you enough to put themselves in the position to be despised by their own flesh ... that is true parental love.  Recognize it and thank them.

4.  Pick your battles.  If you fight everything, you will lose more.  If you are compliant with most, then your parents will be more likely to give you some extra maneuvering room here and there.  Recognize a "no" and leave it be.

5.  Most importantly, recognize that though your wings are eager to be stretched, your feathers are still wet.  You are close to being mature enough to being ready to launch when you begin to realize how little you know and start looking for guidance from your parents.  As long as you know what is best for you, you will not be seen as ready by your parents.

Parents I also have some advice for you ... really a Biblical reminder ... 

Ephesians 6:4: And, you fathers (parents), do not provoke your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

1.  Your children are forming two lists they will use for the rest of their life.  Jobs and relationships will come and go but these lists will remain.  List 1 is the "who I call when all falls apart" list and List 2 is the "do not call bc they will throw it in my face" list.  Many parents inadvertently put themselves through their actions and interactions on List 2.  I've seen it many times.  Here's some ideas I have seen successful in protecting your teenagers while raising them to be responsible without losing them.

2.  Realize they are no longer 10 ... treat them accordingly.  Talk with them in adult contexts ... face to face.

3.  Place yourself outside of the action - consequence relationship.  I tell my kids that a day is coming when life will be providing the disciplinary actions for their mistakes, and life won't provide them the love of a parent.  When consequences must be enforced for negative actions, keep calm but firm.

4.  Offer options.  The worst thing you can do for your upset teenager is leave him or her alone to dwell on their emotions ... they will lose ... and you will lose.  Keep them busy ... teach them the skill of compromise (that will help them the rest of their lives) by demonstrating it first hand.

5.  Keep up the fight.  They will thank you later ... so will their loved ones.

6.  Spend time with them ... take them places ... keep them busy.  Physiologically, they are a hurricane of hormones ... physical and mental exertion is the best way to get equilibrium ... work them to sleep doing fun things ... you will sleep too!  

7.  Realize and embrace your changing position. You have been the every person on their team that gets them in position to score while defending their back, but now you are shifting to coach.  They are going to face consequences and probably already are for things that have nothing to do with you (ie detention, suspensions, team cuts, job firings, etc)  Use those moments to build them up and to build up their faith and confidence in your ability to offer good counsel.  Avoid adding more weight to their consequences (though you may want to ring their neck!).  I often remind my children that the safest place in the world to be wrong is at home.  My discipline builds and strengthens, the world's just gets payback.  Have those conversations.  If they were suspended for something that went wrong at school, I would suggest that during the suspension that all privileges earned by successful school performance are also suspended during those times (video games usage, cell phone usage, social media, etc) but I also suggest against grounding them from everything fun for the rest of their lives!!!  Instead, have an adult conversation about consequences ... play through what happened and try to help them find alternative options.  Become the genius they used to think you were, until their friends told them you weren't ...

8.  Don't punish them with or from Christ.  Your children need time, like you do, to think about what they've done and work through things ... why would anyone want to prevent that child from Godly influence.  If you're not confident in who is ministering to your children, why are you there?  If you are confident, inform them confidentially what is going on ... you'd be surprised how much they can help that child see everything you are trying to show.  Every adult I have in my children's lives are there strategically and purposefully.

9.  Don't feel guilty about being there for dates, proms, parties, etc.  I tell my children that I will not prevent them from these things but they must understand that I will be there.  There will come a day that I can't, but with what I have seen firsthand go wrong, I would be negligent to do anything else.  I understand that every parent can't feasibly go, but team up!!! Be strategic ... take turns!!!  The idea that a 16 year old can go unchaperoned on a camp out ... totally out of any adult supervision is just insane to me.  Not because a lack of trust in the kids (though that has a part) but because there are sick people out there looking for these kids ... and these kids, though they may bench a couple of bucks, can do little to help themselves during emergencies.

10.  Be there, be consistent, be happy later.  Remember, there are two pains of leadership: discipline and regret.  Deal with the pain of discipline and be happy later.  Be happy now and deal with the pain of regret later.  They are worth our effort!!

I will end with what I inferred earlier.  

The worst time of year for a teacher is graduation night ... we are all scared to death because inevitably, with all of the teaching, with all of the preparation ... someone is going to get hurt doing something they've been warned not to do .. and bc they are unsupervised, no one will be able to prevent them.

Friday was our high school graduation.  I reminded my senior students, as many as possible, to be wise ... to value their future.  I wish they would not drink but they do ... this is a night known for it.  But I reminded them not to drive at all.  Unfortunately, one of my seniors decided to go riding at 4am with a friend ... you can guess the story.  The young man fell asleep at the wheel ... the vehicle flipped into a electric pole.  The driver broke his neck and the passenger broke is back severing the spinal chord and is paralyzed from the waste down.  They would do anything to turn back the clock ... with all their hearts they wish someone chained them to their beds ... but they would have fought it with all of their heart going into it.

Teenagers and young adults, value the involvement of your parents ... heed their words of caution and instruction.  I see deaths and severe accidents every year ... always good natured kids just making an error of judgment.  I realize that even if I lock my kids in a room, they will find a way to hurt themselves.  We, as your parents do not wish to choke you from experiencing the fullness and excitement of the world God has created for us to enjoy ... but we see these kids ... they all swore they were safe ... that nothing would happen.  It's always the same.  When I think of my children, I think of the students I have seen ... torn to pieces, in agony ... begging for their lives and apologizing to their parents ... I see parents sobbing over the loss of their children or the reality of the lifelong complications of terrible accidents survived ... begging their children to hold on ... apologizing for not being there ... taking all responsibility for their children's actions.  It is awful.

I have committed myself to do everything within my power to keep my children from those hospital rooms ... from those funeral homes.

What should you do??? Thank them and heed them.  You are not an adult yet ... be glad they are squeezing ... see it as a hug.  It will end.

That's my take anyways ... awesome question.  So what are your thoughts?

QUESTIONS??
Don't be confused.  LEARN STUFF!!!
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4 comments:

  1. Great post as always!
    I would like to add a suggestion, when my daughter was a teenager I came up with an idea that seem to help a little bit with our relationship. She seemed afraid to come to me with her problems because she was afraid of being yelled at for being embarrassed. I decided that I would tell her that if she had something she wanted to talk to me about, but she could write me a letter. There were a few rules to this letter to help comfort her and make her feel like she had somewhat of a bit of control but also I was in charge.
    the first rule was no matter what was in the letter that I would not be allowed to yell at her. When you write a letter and then have to read it it gives a parent time to cool down first of all, let me tell you sometimes you need to cool down when you read the letter haha, but also it gives them the sense that they can give you the information that they need to give you without being yelled at. Make it clear that it does not mean that whatever your answer is will agree with what they want you to comply with, but you will not yell or belittle them for what they write.
    the second rule was that the response would be in letter form as well. This gives the parents time to think about there response and sometimes when you write things out it comes out better than if you just blurt it out when you're in the heat of the moment. It also helps you to change things if you feel that something could be better if you come up with a different idea. This is how many times as I have tried so many times to get things through to my daughter in words and it never worked, however when I got to writing it down it came out more beautiful than I could have ever known.
    the last rule about the letters is that no matter what the outcome is we both had to talk about the letters after we wrote and read them. It made it I have a conversation in person so that it didn't just make our relationship on paper, however we both have some pretty beautiful letters that we wrote back and forth tell me now much we love each other and how much we feel inside our hearts about things.
    the most important thing to remember though is to pray for parents, pray to God that the Holy Spirit will give you the words and the right things to say to guide your children through difficult times. It is only through the Holy Spirit and God's direction that we can guide our children to grow into who God wants them to be. It does not matter who we want them to be or even who they think they want to be at that time, God may have a different idea or a plan for their lives. So most importantly before you get that pen and paper out always always pray. And last but certainly not least the last rule is there has to be a hug after the note discussion is over. if I had thought of this before I did actually do this I think my door turn I would have had a better relationship during the teen years. And I think the younger that you do this and implement the note writing the more lovely note you will collect on the closer your relationship will be. Hey give me a child a sense of control because they feel they will not get yelled at for what they're going to write and you have a chance to cool down from anything that is written in there later. But make it clear that whatever your choices are they musta by to buy them. It is in the perfect system and you make tweak it as you may see fit perhaps you have a better idea to add on to it but I think it is a pretty good idea to keep communication going between your children and yourself which is so important. God bless you and please forgive any typos or anything that sounds weird, commenting with the phone can be quite difficult sometimes ha ha ha I tried my best to proofread it again God bless you all and may you and your children remain close until adulthood and beyond

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Formatted Response:
      I would like to add a suggestion, when my daughter was a teenager I came up with an idea that seemed to help a little bit with our relationship. She seemed afraid to come to me with her problems because she was afraid of being yelled at or being embarrassed. I decided that I would tell her that if she had something she wanted to talk to me about, she could write me a letter. There were a few rules to this letter to help comfort her and make her feel like she had somewhat of a bit of control but also I was in charge.

      The first rule was no matter what was in the letter that I would not be allowed to yell at her. When you write a letter and then have to read it it gives a parent time to cool down. First of all, let me tell you sometimes you need to cool down when you read the letter haha, but also it gives them the sense that they can give you the information that they need to give you without being yelled at. Make it clear that it does not mean that whatever your answer is will agree with what they want you to comply with, but you will not yell or belittle them for what they write.

      The second rule was that the response would be in letter form as well. This gives the parents time to think about their response. Sometimes when you write things out it comes out better than if you just blurt it out when you're in the heat of the moment. It also helps you to change things if you feel that something could be better if you come up with a different idea. I have tried so many times to get things through to my daughter in words and it never worked, however when I got to writing it down it came out more beautiful than I could have ever known.

      The third rule about the letters is that no matter what the outcome is we both had to talk about the letters after we wrote and read them. It made us have a conversation in person so that it didn't just make our relationship on paper. However we both have some pretty beautiful letters that we wrote back and forth tell me now much we love each other and how much we feel inside our hearts about things.

      The most important thing for parents to remember though is to pray. Pray to God that the Holy Spirit will give you the words and the right things to say to guide your children through difficult times. It is only through the Holy Spirit and God's direction that we can guide our children to grow into who God wants them to be. It does not matter who we want them to be or even who they think they want to be at that time. God may have a different idea or a plan for their lives. So most importantly before you get that pen and paper out always always pray.

      And the last (but certainly not least) rule is there has to be a hug after the note discussion is over. If I had thought of this before I think my daughter and I would have had a better relationship during the teen years. A nd I think the younger that you do this and implement the note writing the more lovely note you will collect on the closer your relationship will be. Hey give a child a sense of control because they feel they will not get yelled at for what they're going to write and you have a chance to cool down from anything that is written in there later. But make it clear that whatever your choices are they must abide by them. It isn't the perfect system and you may tweak it as you may see fit. Perhaps you have a better idea to add on to it but I think it is a pretty good idea to keep communication going between your children and yourself which is so important.

      God bless you and please forgive any typos or anything that sounds weird, commenting with the phone can be quite difficult sometimes ha ha ha I tried my best to proofread it again God bless you all and may you and your children remain close until adulthood and beyond.

      Delete
  2. That is amazing ... I took the liberty to format it above. I have never considered the letters ... that is some of the best wisdom I have experienced ... thank you for sharing that!

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  3. thank you for making it look professional hahaha, even if it was done on the computer it would not look that beautiful. Thank you also for the compliment it was not my idea but definitely the idea of the Holy Spirit and God above. I only regret that I had done it sooner when she was younger. I praise God that it may help someone else and I would be honored if it did. My daughter and I went through a rough patch that is for sure, but tre God's help we worked through it, and we are best friends now. We still have our moments but communication is definitely the key. Just like with the Lord prayer is so important to keep a relationship with Jesus. Again thank you for making it look so professional it looks beautiful. God bless you, and as always it's a pleasure reading your blogs.

    ReplyDelete